identity

i’ve decided i should probably have a page on here documenting whatever this is.

i’ll be updating this post when or if i have any updates.

dates are ordered chronologically. scroll down to the end to see the latest part.

september 18th - 22nd

i’m not sure how this all started. i might have been thinking about life and my future as a whole, but i started thinking a lot about my identity. i had this weird sense i was missing something. i struggle a lot with identifying or processing my emotions so this sort of thing is very overwhelming for me.

on the night of the 19th, i couldn’t stop thinking about wearing a long skirt in particular. i don’t know what capitvates me about them, but they seem very cool.

i had looked some up online out of curiousity. i get this weird feeling of jealousy or envy when i think about wearing one. i’m still not sure whether i’d be happier being percieved as something other than male.

september 22nd - 26th

i’ve changed my pronouns to they/them on most platforms. it’s not that i think it suits me better, i just wanted something that reflected a change without jumping to she/her outright. i’m still too much of a coward to try that, despite several of my mutuals encouraging me to do so. i’m not opposed to trying it, but it’s still very scary to me

the constant thoughts about this have subsided and it’s making me feel like a liar or that i misled people, though it could be because i was preoccupied since i had places to be on the 24th. i still find myself looking at long skirts ocassionally online though.

september 28th

i am debating whether or not to try growing my hair out. not necessarily because of gender stuff, i also think it’d be kinda fun to see what i could do with it

okay, yeah, it’s also because of gender stuff… 😭

october 10th - 14th

i’ve been thinking about being a girl fairly often lately. emphasis on being. i still don’t really feel anything when these thoughts come though, mainly due to the struggles i had mentioned before.

a friend gave me name suggestions and one stuck out in particular, but i still want to get past my whole “can’t feel anything” problem before i try out anything seriously. other than that, i have removed my name from my profiles and this website :p

october 16th - 20th

i kinda decided i can just… do shit, though it was mainly some of my mutuals who convinced me i should do so lol.

i’ve been trying out the name May among my friends. i can’t tell whether i like being called that or just the attention i’ve received because of my new name.

all of my close friends have been accepting and positive about it.

i feel quite good seeing that name next to my messages.

october 20th

a part of me wonders if i want to get away from what others know me as. to a lot of people, i am only my mother’s son with special needs, to those at my school i was “brian” the eccentric nerdy IT guy.

yeah, i have cool hobbies and projects i share with them, but as i’ve been at home and keeping to myself, it is slowly starting to feel weird. i’ve never had a chance to properly define myself. there’s a sort of disconnect between me and “brian”.